Last night I took “fear” with me. It did not hold me back.
Fear can stop you. It is often not what you fear that stops you but the feeling of fear itself. Something you think or believe is going to hurt you or going to happen that you do not want, so you don’t go that way, or do that thing that you want to do.
You avoid it, ALL of you avoids it.
To stay protected. To stay safe.
It can then impact on your behaviour – you’ll see below how in the past it impacted my behaviour in the particular thing I was wanting to do.
So “what happened last night?” I hear you ask, maybe you’re thinking in your own mind, “how did Cat take fear with her?”.
You see last night I walked our dog in the DARK.
Alone.
4 times further than I’d ever walked her before in the dark.
And I’ve always walked to a point in the dark and “panic” walked back .. it’s generally a quicker, “get me out of here” kind of walk – you know the one. My challenge this time was to not try and make fear small by bringing my other emotions along with me in the first instance. My wonderful army of emotions would be with me – prepared to do what they needed when needed, and with fear alongside. I know I’d need to be alert but not to the point of stopping. Recently I’d felt fear get to the point it was stopping me from doing something I really wanted to do, needed to do. So this was me getting into play mode and seeing if I could do something different.
To the bird display sign we’d go. To push my comfort zone.
It was a path I knew and had travelled before but this time it was different, it was in darkness. No streetlamps.
Oh and no head torch. Yeah, I know, but I forgot it, it was in the car. It was at the moment that I’d forgotten my head torch that this actually became a challenge for me. When we take light into the darkness, it makes it less scary, easier to find your way. I love helping people find the light they need. But with no light? Things can seem more scarier.
I thought “you can still do this”. There she was my little self-belief showing up. I had my phone so if I needed the torch from that, I could pop it on.
So what was I scared of, what did I fear? Simple. I had the fear of being physically attacked. This was not based on a past experience – but based upon what I’d been told from a young age. Avoid going out on your own in the dark, in the woods in case someone attacks you. What the movies tell you, right. Maybe it’s just me, has anyone been similar?
Before I’d only walk as far as where I could be heard by houses – they helped me feel safe if the unknown happened.
What happened? I had the fear, felt it, it had me on alert. But I was also able to engage my senses. What could I see, hear, touch and smell? I had the goal in mind. As I walked, I noticed that actually my eyes adjusted and I could see plenty. I looked up. The moon light gave a lot of light. With the trees all bare, the moonlight lit up the forest and the path. The stars were very clear also. At one point I thought I could see a light coming the other way along the path, only to notice as I walked that the light was the moon light bouncing off the river. Our perceptions do change what is or was reality. I could hear the river running beside me, hear the road noises, cars etc. No birds – they must have been tucked up on their nests. Across the other side of the river in the distance I could see people still had their Christmas lights up outside.
My mind started to wander. What was for tea? I must get that shopping ordered…. You know the kind of way our minds wander.
“Woah!” I yelped out of nowhere, and I jumped back instinctively.
I was abruptly bought into the present moment as I caught sight of I a large shadowy figure to my right.
Thankfully it was just tree stump covered in holly but looked like a person. I loved noticing how I instinctively reacted. Thank you fear, I didn’t need you to take over, to feel you all the time, for you to do what you needed when it was needed. This awareness and noticing was my first light bulb moment. As I’d walked past the stump, I watched it closely and felt more at ease after I passed. Returning to a normal state of just walking along.
My attention back to what I could see and hear. If I put on my phone torch, it was so dark around where the light was shining, it made fear get massive. So I kept it off. My eyes fully adjusted. The area where the bird sign was up ahead. I was almost there.
Then on the path ahead I saw a light coming towards me, it was definitely a light this time. Ok, I thought “here goes. Get ready”. I calculated that I’d get to the bird sign before they did. Did they have a dog? Was it an aggressive dog or not? What were they doing out in the dark? So I listened. I could hear them panting and could see that by the bob of the light, they were running. “Ok so intention to attack a woman along a dark path was unlikely” – then for some strange reason I decided to come up with a what could I say to them if they did try and attack me – Calm handed me some get out of being attacked words, so I was ready.
Brave helped me flick on my phone torch so they could see that someone was there, was a dog. Fear had me stand next to the bird sign as I watched them jog past. And after they passed, I waited a short while and then followed them. Heading back to the car.
I’d done it, I felt so proud of myself – literally those words came to me. “I’m so proud of myself for doing that” out of nowhere. They were in me the whole time. I had Fear with me the whole time and still went outside my comfort zone. She’d not stopped me, she kept me safe by giving me things I could do to keep myself safe as I went along.
Here is what I learnt:
- giving myself simple words of encouragement helped
- setting a simple goal helped me focus
- fear is definitely just a part of you, not all of you. She didn’t take over and the other parts of me, worked to help me achieve my goal.
- I kept away from any thoughts of “what if”
- taking fear with me actually made me feel braver
- there is always some light, no matter how small
- the sensation in my body that fear gave me, changed – at times reduced and at times like an alarm bell
For me the fear I felt physically was the same whether it’s an anticipated physical threat or a psychological threat – to freeze. This was my big “bingo” moment, my big light big moment – if I took fear with me when there was an anticipated physical threat – I could do the same with any psychological threat! That’s where I’ll find my growth.
They say “feel the fear and do it anyway” which I do like. However sometimes that has actually stopped me since the thinking about it conjures up that fear in you just thinking about it. Reframe it – so I have done
“Do it, with fear along for the ride” A gentler phrase honouring fears role. For me fear, she wants to keep you safe but yesterday I also realised that she believes in all you can do.
Some may think “that wasn’t a threat, that’s highly unlikely to happen”. That is not the point though. When it comes to emotions that makes no difference. Meet the emotion where it is at. No judgement. That’s how I was able to take fear with me. There was no conflict within me.
That’s why I love the Ollie model so much. Ollie And His Super Powers. We work with the emotions. And help you to do the same. There is no judgement. Together we can help get those emotions working for us.
Think I may make a habit of this walking in the dark along paths I know. When the sky is clear and there is some light to lead the way.
#ollieandhissuperpowers #emotionalwellbeing #beliefmakercoaching